"The Thrill of Victory/The Agony of Defeat"
Written under duress
by John Corbett
I never had food poisoning before. I've been lying in bed for hours with stomach cramps, with nervous dashes to the bathroom for horrible things I won't describe to you. So excuse me if I forget some details on GenCon '12. The picture on your left is Mr. Michael Van Breeman, winner of "Who Wants to be the Last Seed". Michael snuck into the bracket and made it to the semi-finals. Good for him. Even though he did it with a terrible, terrible cheesy deck that only he could conceive. On the right we have Phil (last name omitted for future employment Google background checks), in all his post-Biermeister glory. Where do I begin....
To make things fun, Phil and I were scheduled for a "Belt Match" at the Biermeister. Throughout the day it was looking less and less likely we were going to actually do a Biermeister tournament. Not enough people, no venue, etc. But at the last minute Nick Yankovec rounded up enough participates/victims and we headed over to the hotel restaurant. You've never seen a less thrilled waiter in your life. 10 dorks taking up all his tables for the rest of the night.
With no intentions or desires to win and drink myself to death (I drank the two previous nights and already 'pre-gamed' a few hours before in the same restaurant), I played the worst deck ever created: Gatherers. I played it three times before and never came close to winning a game. Round 1, Sean O'Reilly. Sean had the same plan as me, bring a shit deck, have fun, don't drink yourself into a coma. So after a hour of his shitty Romulans and my shitty Gatherers failing attempt after attempt, I somehow got three missions done. Great, so I order three more beers and get cracking.
Round two I play Joel Skon. All I remember this game is yelling at Joel constantly. He was playing a legitimate deck, and he destroyed my Gatherer's Raid. That's just cold-blooded and ruthless in a Biermeister event. I remember getting two or three No Win Situations out (I had O'Brien to protect them), so Joel couldn't get thorough his missions. We both had one mission done when time ran out, but I scored 5 points off that terrible Key to the Alpha Quadrant dilemma which gave me the win. At least the timed win meant one less beer.
They kicked us out before the last round so we went over to the restaurant at the JW Marriott. As destiny would have it, I played Phil in the last round. It gets even blurrier, but I remember yelling at Phil (who was playing Starfleet) for stacking his deck. He got Sight for Sore Eyes out on turn 2, and all 3 At What Cost? by turn 4. I was in rough shape, but Phil was a goddamn mess. So Phil proceeded to smoke my Gatherers and win the game. Then I told him good luck finishing the next 4 beers in order to win the "belt match". At this point, Charlie was sitting at the table behind us, and warned Phil not to do it. Phil came over, set his beer down, and started rambling about something. Then when he turned back to grab his beer, he knocked it over and Charlie caught some beer shrapnel. At this point, Nick DQ'd Phil from the Biermeister. I wish I could say that was the end of Phil's night, I wish I could say alot of things....
Phil stumbled around the bar a little longer, the waitress finally had enough and told us he had to go. That's about when BenHosp knocked over a glass and it shattered. Time to go. We get back to the room, and Phil crashes on the bed. Another rookie mistake for poor Phil (he left his GenCon badge at home when we left DC). See, and I talk from experience, when you hit the bed and look up, things start to spin, like the whole room. Phil sits up and all hell breaks loose. It's coming out violently. Ken runs for a trash can to help. Darrell, Neil and BenHosp simply run out of the room and down the hall. In true hero form, I go right for my cell phone to take pictures. Then Phil makes a run for the bathroom, and starts praying to the Porcelain God. There we leave Phil to his shame alone in the room.
After a few late night games of Werewolf, we go back to the disaster scene. Holy mother of god, what a nightmare. Neil took the worst of it. He left his suitcase open and his backpack in between the two beds, or as I like to call it, "Ground Zero". The backpack was covered. Neil had to wash it out in the shower. There was even some on the wall. Neil's OCD starts kicking in and he has to clean the bathroom. At this point I'm exhausted and lay down in the bed, with a vomit covered floor right below me.
I proceed to be woken up at 8am with, a probably still drunk, Phil mumbling, "You stole the belt from me." I curse at him and go back to sleep.
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